


Words I Couldn't Say

by turningthepages



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Marriage (Supernatural), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dying Castiel (Supernatural), Happy Ending, Injured Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sick Castiel (Supernatural), Soul Bond, Witches, Worried Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:40:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23783278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turningthepages/pseuds/turningthepages
Summary: A witch went after Jack. Castiel threw himself in the way of the magic to save him. Now the angel’s Grace is being drained and the only way to save him is to tether him to a soul.Dean is so ready to get angel-married to save his friend but now their angel has run away and they have no idea where to find him.With a ticking clock over their heads, Dean’s doing everything he can to find his angel and tell him everything he’s left unsaid.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 90
Kudos: 500
Collections: Dean/Cas Pinefest 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, this entire fic came to be because I was listening to the song "One Last Time" from Hamilton and the lyric 'the ever-favorite object of my heart' brought me to tears. I found those words so unbelievably moving that I made this entire story because of it. If (when) you see those words come up in this I hope they are just as moving to you as they were to me. 
> 
> I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am for you to see the artwork in this story. I was paired with the incredibly talented [purplepumpkin](https://purplepumpkinart.tumblr.com/) and had no idea of the perfection she would gift me with. Guys I CRIED seeing her artwork. It's so beautiful and I am so beyond grateful to her for picking my story. Please, please, please, give her all the love.  
> And to Purplepumpkin, thank you for being the first artist to ever draw something for one of my stories. It was a dream to work with you and your breathtaking talent<3  
> [Link to Art](https://purplepumpkinart.tumblr.com/post/616130587449819136/words-i-couldnt-say-by-turningthepaiges)

“Can you undo it?”

Dean paced the hardwood flooring of the library, wondering who the fuck turned up the heat after he told them to not fuck with it. His insides were trying to crawl out of his skin.

“I cannot.”

The look he sent Rowena could probably be categorized as one of his deadliest.

“The fuck you mean you cannot? Are you trying to say that this bitch can out-magic you?”

“Of course the lass cannot ‘out-magic’ me but this hex cannot be undone easily.”

“So there’s nothing you can do?”

“I didn’t say that.”

He was ready to throw punches. He didn’t care who was in his immediate vicinity; he needed to lay his fist into something because he felt too fucking helpless right now.

“Rowena, stop fucking around. Can you or can you not help us? Cas is getting weaker as we speak.”

“I’m fine Dean.”

Dean’s head whipped around to the gruff voice sitting at the table. Though the words were meant to calm him down, the dark circles and grey hue to his best friend’s face did nothing but make his hackles rise even more. He needed to fix this. Yesterday.

“You slept for fourteen hours last night. You’re not fine! We just need to find the bitch and kill her. Should’a done it last night!”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It never is.”

He felt his ass hit the seat next to Cas, not even realizing that he’d made it all the way across the room. If he were being honest most of the past day had been a bit of a haze. He’d been high strung since the moment that witch had zapped Cas with some sort of blue light and his friend had dropped like a fly. He knows he heard Sam’s gun going off a few rounds, he knows he saw Jack trying to stop her with his Scarlet Witch mind control mumbo jumbo, but Dean had been too focused on the fact that Cas was laying limp in the middle of the room to give a shit.

They’d been after her for nearly two weeks. Nearly a month ago Sam had caught wind of a few dozen dead cats turning up in the same area of Cheyenne, Wyoming. They knew it sounded like some intro to witchcraft shit and sent a few hunters around the area to check it out but nothing turned up. They figured that the kids had gotten too squeamish after so many dead fur balls that they backed off but a few weeks later people were suddenly going missing in Fort Collins. It seemed like a coincidence but they kept watch of the area anyway and after another week, their connections up there sent Sam an image of a body with obvious markings that spelled out that Sabrina the Teenage Witch had decided to go dark side.

That’s when they hightailed it up there, Dean, Cas, Sam, and Jack. They’d spoken to the residents, they’d scoured every kidnapping and dump sight, and they’d eventually pinned it on two likely suspects.

The rituals seemed to point to binding spells, likely for some form of eternal life. Why the fuck anyone would willingly want to live in this shit hole forever was beyond Dean, but he was bound and determined to put an end to the fucker’s life who kept killing innocent kids to become the next Sanderson Sister. No fucking thank you.

It all seemed juvenile, run of the mill sacrifices and rituals that seemed to point towards a novice witch trying to weasel their way into dark magic. They didn’t think anything of it until they were walking straight into a trap of a real nasty bitch who’d been eyeing Jack’s powers for way longer than Dean was comfortable hearing.

They’d all gone into hyper protection mode, flanking Jack as best as they could, trying to get his stubborn ass out of the line of fire but of course the witch had been expecting it. Sam and Dean were, as always, thrown across the room as Cas went after the psychopath trying to syphon energy from their kid. When Dean and Sam had gotten their limbs working again they threw themselves back into the fight, trying to get to the woman before she threw whatever spell Jack’s way.

But things weren’t looking good.

She was stronger than they’d anticipated, smarter than they suspected, and though not near Rowena’s level, she was still a powerful witch. It didn’t take long until she had cleared a path towards Jack and had thwarted any attack sent her way by the brothers and the two angels.

When that flash of blue had permeated the space between them, Dean knew he let out a shout, but before he could so much as blink Cas had thrown himself in the path of the spell, taking it full on until he fell into a heap on the ground. The stupid fucking idiot, doing exactly what Dean would have done if he were only a few feet closer to the kid. He knew why Cas did it, of course he fucking knew why he did it but that didn’t help the knot that had taken form in his chest settle whatsoever.

And now apparently Rowena couldn’t do a single fucking thing about it and his stubborn angel of a best friend couldn’t give any less of a fuck.

Cas’s pale face looked glum but resigned as he explained to Rowena what he believed the witch had done to him. 

“It appears the witch had experience with siphoning life sources but found a way to extract it from angels. She must have decided Jack’s combination of soul and Grace would be the most potent form and targeted him opposed to pure Grace. When I placed myself in the path of the spell it couldn’t find the soul and therefore depleted most of my energy almost instantaneously but my Grace has managed to keep me alive. It appears she’s found the source from the host though, disallowing me from recharging myself as she is funneling the energy to herself instead.”

“So why can’t we just kill her?” Dean asked, for what was probably the hundredth time though he knows he’s basically tuned Cas’s answers out mostly out of self preservation because hearing the answer made his heart give out.

“If you kill her, my connection to the host would die with her and I’d lose my Grace entirely as she’d likely drain it all in an effort to keep herself alive.”

Dean could feel the room spinning as he fought off the blackness that was creeping into the edges of his vision.

“So you’re saying if she dies your Grace goes with it and you…. What happens to you?” 

“If my Grace is forcefully removed I will perish with it.”

“So we can’t kill her?”

“I’d advise against it.”

“Okay, then can’t we break the hex and charge you back up?”

He looked between Rowena and Cas and saw the same grim faces they’d been sporting since Rowena had put her gangly fingers all over Cas to ‘feel out’ the hex coursing through him.

“What? Spit it out!”

“I’m afraid the wee witch bound the hex with blood. The only way to break the spell is to kill her.”

“But we can’t do that without killing Cas!”

He was back on his feet and glaring at the redheaded woman as if she were the cause of his turmoil right now. He knew it wasn’t fair, she’d been nothing but helpful in the past few years, but he needed to be angry at someone right now.

“You see where the problem lies then.”

“Then what can we do?”

“There is something I could try,” Rowena replied, still hovering her hands over Castiel’s head, neck, and shoulders. “But it holds no guarantee. It also would not be able to restore Castiel’s connection with the host.”

He didn’t fucking care. Whatever solution they had was what they were going to do.

“Whatever it is let’s do it.”

“Dean…”

Dean felt himself turning back towards the angel and perhaps pointing a little too aggressively his way.

“If it keeps you from flashing out, we’re doing it.”

Cas bowed his head in clear frustration, taking a few calculated breaths before he turned back to look at the two others in the room. “Rowena, would you mind explaining what you’re considering?”

Per her gesture for Dean to sit down, he slumped back into the chair next to Cas but remained on edge. Rowena strolled over to the table and perched, looking ready to give one hell of a lecture. He knew that this was probably no good based on the way she and Cas kept glancing at one another.

“I believe I can tether Castiel’s Grace at its current state and block it from diminishing further. This would allow us to kill the witch and keep his Grace from depleting. It would be weak and it would not recharge with the connection to the host broken but it would allow him time to decide what to do with the rest of it.”

All the anxiety that had been coursing through Dean for well over twenty-four hours now seemed to lessen at those words. He felt like he could breathe a little easier. No, it wasn’t the perfect solution, he didn’t want Cas to have to give up any of his Grace but if this kept him alive, it was surely the best scenario.

“Okay. Let’s do it.” Dean declared decisively, clapping his hands together in a final movement. “What do we need to do?”

He turned to look at his friend, feeling a semblance of a smile on his face again knowing this would be okay but… Cas’s face was grim, almost like he’d heard a death sentence fall from the witch’s lips. 

“Cas? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t accept your proposal.”

And just like that, the breath was sucked from Dean’s lungs again. “Like hell you can’t! What the fuck are you thinking? Of course you’re doing this. I mean, I get it, you don’t want to lose your Grace but isn’t that better than dying?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” There was an obvious level of panic in his voice that he didn’t care enough to try and cover up.

“Rowena, would you explain to him how tethering would work?”

Cas refused to meet Dean’s eye but Dean was determined to stare the stubborn ass down until he saw reason. Rowena didn’t seem to mind, for the moment, that Dean’s attention was not solely on her as she explained herself.

“His Grace would need to be tethered to something close to him. A living source.”

“Okay?”

“A soul”

“And?”

He watched Cas’s eyes fall shut as Rowena spoke her next words.

“It would need to be linked to a soul that will remain in close connection as to not sever the tether.”

Dean still couldn’t see the problem.

“So me or Sam? That’s fine. We’ll do it.”

Cas’s voice was gruff as it came out. “Grace is a product of God’s love. It’s pure and… fickle, if you will. The tether cannot be tainted or else it breaks.”

“Tainted?”

“Betrayed, sullied, cheated on…” Rowena cooed, “However it makes the most sense to your wee mind.”

Admittedly it did take a short while for Dean’s brain to wrap around the words. Mostly out of shock. He turned to Cas for clarification.

“So this tether it’s like… it’s like being Grace married?”

Castiel finally looked up at Dean and nodded. “Essentially, yes. The Grace will seek the purity of the soul and the soul’s devotion to the Grace. If at any point the Grace feels abandoned, it will flee. Severing the tether and then it would put me back here, to depletion.”

Dean couldn’t think of anything to say aside from, _“Okay. Let’s do it,”_ causing Castiel to physically jerk back in his chair.

“Dean no. Absolutely not.”

If Dean weren’t already so out of his mind with fear he might’ve taken Cas’s rejection of help with a much more heated tone. Instead he felt himself nearly pleading with his friend.

“What? Cas. You need a tether and I have a soul to use—maybe not the best one, but it’s here. Let’s do this. Rowena, what do you need?”

“Stop. Dean, stop. You are not going to be my tether.”

“Yes I am.” Dean demanded, voice shaking.

Cas must’ve taken his tone as something other than absolute panic at the thought of Castiel not accepting the one shot they had at keeping him alive. His shoulders were tense and his face was grim as he pleaded back with Dean.

“Please, think about this.”

“I am thinking about this. It’s either you die or you live. I’m going with the living one.”

“I don’t think you understand. Dean, this bond could never be broken.”

“Yeah. I got that.”

“Do you though? You’d have to give up…”

“Sleeping around, picking people up? Is that what you’re going to say? When’s the last time I even did that? Look. I’m already too old for that shit anyway. It won’t be too difficult to go cold turkey. No sweat off my back.”

“But you enjoy having—”

“I enjoy you being alive a hella’va lot more than you being dead. So the way I see it, if I have to give up a handful of rolls in the sack to keep you from getting dead, then it’s a sacrifice I’m more than willing to take. It’s not even a question. We’re doing this.”

Dean knew he was panicking, like his body was sure if he didn’t do this right that moment that Cas would suddenly flash out. He hardly had time to register that he was essentially throwing himself onto Cas and forcing the angel to spend a lifetime with Dean. He just knew that nothing else felt more right than agreeing to do this.

Castiel wasn’t as certain. “Can you just think on it?” he asked, looking worn.

“What is there to think about? Do you not want to do this? Do you want it to be Sam? Cas… I’m sorry… but I want him to have a shot at a future with someone and I know he’d be willing to do this for you but… don’t do that to him. I’ll do this.”

His heart was galloping in his chest. He tried to convince himself it was because he didn’t want Sam to lose his shot at finding a good person to settle down with but Dean knew it was more than that. He knew if Cas, for one second, implied he’d prefer tethering his Grace to Sam’s soul over Dean’s, it’d probably wreck him.

Cas’s frown deepened even further than Dean though possible. “I wouldn’t ask that of Sam either.”

A small, but noticeable weight lifted off Dean’s shoulders and he sighed.

“Good.”

He let the tension in the room sizzle for a moment longer, his nerves and anxieties making him jittery, before he got his wits about him again, mildly.

“Rowena, when can we get started?”

The witch looked thoughtful as she glanced between Dean and the angel before she upturned her face in a decisive look.

“Tomorrow,” she concluded, nearly cut off as Cas said: “Dean I still think…”

But Dean wasn’t hearing any arguments, even as Rowena spewed off some witchy mumbo jumbo Dean tuned it all out.

“We’re doing this,” he demanded before shoving off the chair and heading to find himself a beer.

It wasn’t until he took a sip of beer and tasted lukewarm piss water that he realized how long he’d been standing in the kitchen just staring at the brick wall. His mind supplied images of Cas walking into a murky lake, of him being stabbed through the back, of him finally showing back up after being separated for too long—death unable to keep them apart.

Dean needed this to work. He needed this to work because he didn’t know if he could survive it again. Every time it’d gotten harder, so much so, to the point he just wanted to give into the pain and erase it all. A world without his family, any one of them was a world he didn’t want to live in.

He knew death was inevitable, even though he’d skirted by it or completely ignored it too many times in his life. Now, after so many years of cheating it, and getting a little too lucky with forgiving entities, he knows there’s not many more chances for them. Deep down, in his gut, he knows the next time, for all of them, will be for good.

The thought of it happening to Cas…

He can’t.

A pit weighed heavily in his gut and he knew it wouldn’t settle until Cas was secure and not dying anymore.

He didn’t understand why they had to wait a whole fucking day to get the show on the road. Every minute Cas’s Grace was dwindling yet they had to sit around and wait?

What were they even waiting on? They had all the ingredients and Dean _knew_ that Rowena’s talk of the moon and stars was all just bullshit to buy more time. But why?

He could feel panic swirl up inside him and Sam wasn’t even there to talk him down. It was for the best since his brother and Jack were currently out stalking the witch, keeping a close watch on her for when he did get the go ahead to gank her. But Dean could use his brother right at that moment—if not to keep Dean from overthinking everything but to maybe talk some sense into Rowena and Cas into getting the ball rolling on this Grace-marriage stuff.

Dean shivered just thinking about it.

To him it was a no brainer. Of course he’d do this for Cas. But he was doing it for himself too. Perhaps for reasons that verged on selfishness.

Maybe it wasn’t right of him to think of this as a way to keep Cas from zapping off ever again. Maybe it wasn’t fair that Dean was practically dumping a lifetime with him on Cas’s lap but what other choice did they have?

Dean didn’t care that he’d never hook up with someone else again, really, it didn’t make him pause even for a second. But he did care that he was taking Cas’s chance away at finding someone good for him.

Dean knew how he felt. He knew that nothing, and no one, would ever compare to the angel. That in all his life Dean would never know a bond so deep, or feel so strongly for another like he does for Cas. He just wishes that he was good enough for Cas to feel it all in return.

It’s pitiful that Cas was stuck with some dumbass, no-good, hunter as his only option to save his life, but when they did this Grace-marriage thing, Dean was gonna do so right by him.

He swore it. He’d be so good to Cas.

His heartrate hadn’t settled still and only quickened when Cas shuffled past the kitchen.

“Hey,” Dean said, stopping the angel in his tracks.

“Dean,” is all the other man said in return.

“We set for tomorrow?”

“We have all the necessary ingredients,” Cas confirmed.

“Good. The sooner we get this over with, the better.”

“Right,” Cas nodded tensely. “I believe I should go rest now.”

“Yeah, yeah, go do that. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

His friend turned to walk away but Dean didn’t let him get far.

“Cas, wait!”

Confused, Cas turned towards Dean and raised an eyebrow, waiting for Dean to explain. Part of Dean didn’t even know why he’d stopped his friend but he felt himself reaching towards his right hand.

“Try this on,” he heard himself saying as he tugged an old silver ring he’d worn years ago off his finger. He’d only just found it a few days ago inside an old shoebox he’d kept some items in. For some reason it felt right to hand it to Cas in that moment.

Cas took the ring from Dean’s fingers gingerly. He examined it for a few moments before slipping it onto his index finger.

“No, not that one,” Dean interrupted, pulling the ring from Cas’s finger. “This one,” he instructed as he slipped the ring onto Cas’s left ring finger, watching in near disbelief as it fit.

“What’s this for?” Cas asked, his words hoarse.

“A symbol. You know. Since we’re getting angel-married tomorrow and all. Just thought you should have a human token or something.”

The look Cas gave him nearly brought Dean to his knees. It was just a ring but Cas looked stunned that Dean had even thought to give him anything at all. The thought made Dean’s heart break a little for the angel, knowing Dean hadn’t treated him well too many times throughout the years. That was all going to change, he promised himself.

“Thank you. For everything, Dean,” Cas said in a whisper.

Dean wanted to reach out and pull him into a hug but wasn’t certain if it’d be welcomed. Instead he shrugged a little and replied, “It’s no big deal.”

“It is to me.”

Cas stared at the ring silently for a moment and Dean waited for him to say something else but nothing came. The bags under Cas’s eyes and the heavy weight to his shoulders reminded Dean then that the angel’s energy was still being drained and he’d probably needed as much energy as he could to bond themselves together.

“Hey, go get some rest. You looked wiped.”

“I am,” Cas smiled though he didn’t move. Instead he looked at Dean with his tired eyes. “Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I’ll cherish this. For as long as I live.”

The emotion in those words were like a balm to Dean’s heart. He knew even if Cas didn’t care for him in the same way, Cas still cared for him a lot. It might not be an ideal situation but they’d make their bond work, and Dean _would_ treat him better—treat him like Cas deserved.

He still didn’t take the hug he so desperately craved but he quickly squeezed Cas’s hand with the ring and smiled. 

“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Cas’s face was grave, likely a product of the witch draining every ounce of strength out of him. Dean couldn’t imagine how Cas must be feeling to give up all of what made him celestial in just a few hours.

“Goodnight,” the angel said before walking away.

A few hours. Less than 12 and he and Cas would be bound together deeper than the bond he knew they shared.

Dean laid in bed that night, listening to the creaking and groaning from the bunker walls, knowing he’d be unable to sleep.

His mind raced with too many thoughts. The gravity of what he was going to do, the relief that Cas would be by Dean’s side for the rest of his life, the worry that somehow this tether would stir up thoughts and feelings that Dean wanted to keep locked away—but mostly comfort knowing that Cas wasn’t dying now. He wasn’t going anywhere because Dean had a way to keep him safe.

No matter what happened after this bonding, Dean knew they’d deal with it as it came, like they always did.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke up to the sound of the air conditioning kicking on. He’d only grabbed less than five hours of sleep but he felt refreshed.

Leaping out of bed, Dean headed straight for the kitchen where he stared at the fridge and pantry for far too long, indecisive in what to make for breakfast.

Did getting soul-married entail pancakes or biscuits and gravy? Both? Throwing caution to the wind, he decided to make a bit of everything he could find: eggs, bacon, sausage, and all sources of carbs.

He hoped it was enough to say: _“Hey Cas, see? I’m excited about this. I’m not freaking out that bonding our life forces together will make you realize how desperate I am to keep you here with me.”_

Fuck. He was in over his head but he couldn’t keep the excitement from coursing through him like a pulse. They were really going to do this. They were going to make their bond permanent and Dean would never have to wonder if Cas was coming back to them ever again.

Emotions whirled through him but he tried to stomp them down for now. They still had a few more hours until the ceremony would happen.

For now, he just needed to focus on breakfast.

Marching down the hallway, he wondered briefly how the smell of coffee, bacon, and warm syrup hadn’t already woken Cas up. Though the angel didn’t usually need to eat, he’d taken to enjoy certain foods purely on the way they smelled to him. It warmed Dean to his core to watch his best friend devour some of Dean’s home cooking, saying that the smell alone was divine.

Dean hoped he’d hear the same words that morning over breakfast.

When he got to Cas’s bedroom door, Dean rapped his knuckles on the door a few times.

“Hey buddy, you awake yet?” When there was no answer, Dean tried again, assuming Cas was sleeping harder than typical since his Grace was still depleting.

“Yo, sleepyhead. Breakfast is still warm,” he called out.

No answer.

His gut knew something was wrong immediately, but Dean himself didn’t want to believe it. He heard a voice inside his head trying to tell him Cas was just sleeping deeply but a louder, more intimidating voice was screaming that something was really, very, wrong. 

“Cas? I’m coming in.”

He expected to have to kick in the door since he assumed it’d be locked, but to his surprise the door flung right open with a turn of his wrist, revealing a dark and starkly empty room. The bed where Cas should have been sprawled under the sheets was immaculately made without so much as a crease in them.

As Dean flipped on the lights, almost hoping that the light would somehow reveal his angel, he spotted three folded sheets of paper laid on top the covers; one that read Sam, one that read Jack, and one that read Dean.

His heart tumbled to the ground as he raced towards the note, praying that the words in his hands were written merely minutes prior and would give him any clue to where Cas was.

He knew he wasn’t breathing as he read:

> _Dearest Dean,_
> 
> _By the time you are reading this I hope to be far out of reach. I have taken measures to ward myself, block off prayer, and disconnect any ways you may technologically follow me. Please do not be angry with yourself for my departure, this choice was not made lightly._
> 
> _I want to start this letter first by thanking you for the years I have known you and the sacrifices you have made for me along this journey. This is ultimately why I cannot ask you to make another, especially one as weighted as binding your soul to me. Over the course of knowing you I have learned one essential truth; you, Dean Winchester, deliver more of yourself unto others than anyone I’ve ever known. And though I am grateful for your loyalty and willingness to deliver this part of yourself to me, I cannot in good faith ask it of you. You, my humblest friend, deserve to live the rest of your years not bound to an ancient being but with the freedom to enjoy leisure and pleasure to your heart’s desire. This is my wish for you._
> 
> _I know you will not take lightly to being told what to do and may be angry with me for such an abrupt departure but know that I will live out what is left of my days with a smile as I recall the fond memories I have shared with you and our small family. I must confess that my hope—my last prayer I will send to my Father is that in my final hour with the last tendrils of Grace seeping out of me, I shall become human and be permitted to live my days eternally in my first home—the one before I met you._
> 
> _I am sorry for not giving you a proper goodbye, one that I know I owe you for everything you have gifted me in the time I’ve known you. But alas I know I am too weak. If I had to look upon your eyes once more, I am ashamed to admit I would not be able to do this. Please accept my apology for depriving us of a final farewell._
> 
> _I find it challenging to put everything I want to say to you down on paper—there is so much I’ve held back from sharing but I’m afraid I must end this goodbye now or I may never find the strength to leave the home you have welcomed me into._
> 
> _Dean, you are and will always remain the ever-favorite object of my heart. I hope that somewhere in the future when you reflect upon your life that you may think of the time in which we knew one another with that of fondness and joy. Although I cannot make this promise, I intend, with my best effort to look after you and Sam in any way I can to ensure a long and full life for you both._
> 
> _Shall I be lucky enough to meet you in eternal life I ask, as my only wish, you share with me one moment to see you and speak with you a final time before you spend the rest of your celestial life with whomever you have gifted with the care of your heart. I will and forever have been_
> 
> _Eternally yours,  
>  Castiel _


	3. Chapter 3

There was a crack on the corner of one of the pieces of tile. The fifth tile from the right. Two down from the top. Probably broken years ago, well before they were here, him and Sam. Or maybe it was him. Maybe he broke it and never knew. Maybe he ignored it for too long or didn’t care for it enough; it just broke from neglect. It was just broken. And cold.

Everything was cold. The bunker was always cold but not like this. He knew he should get up and go check why the heat wouldn’t turn on but it wouldn’t matter. He’d still be cold.

“Dean?”

He could tell by the tone alone that it was Sammy’s worried voice.

A voice in his mind told him he should answer, to assure his little brother that he was alright, but the idea of opening his mouth felt too strenuous.

He should fix that tile.

“Dean? Are you here?”

A chill ran through him as the door swung open, convincing him the bunker’s furnace was busted. Of course everything was breaking all around him. He wasn’t supposed to have nice things. 

“Dean, what the hell?” Sam grumbled. “I’ve been calling you for hours! Why the hell aren’t you or Cas answering?”

Just hearing his name took the wind out of him… Would Cas answer if it was Sam praying to him? Dean had already been praying himself hoarse and Cas still wasn’t there. 

Maybe if Sammy did it. Maybe Cas would listen then. 

“Dean?” 

Somehow Sam had found his way right next to him, crouching down in a way Dean knew would kill his knees. 

He didn’t know how he was going to manage telling his brother. What was he supposed to say? How was he going to look his brother in the eye and let him know that he’d driven away one of the few good things they still had left in their lives? How was he going to manage to speak the words into existence that he failed Cas again? 

Maybe he wouldn’t have to say anything and Sam would just know. It’s not like Dean didn’t have a long track record of failing the Angel. No wonder he was gone. 

Cas was gone. He left. 

He was gone and dying and Dean would probably never—

“He’s gone.”

The words were bitter on his tongue. He could hardly get them past his lips. 

He must not have said it loud enough because his brother had to ask him to repeat himself. 

It hurt to lift his head, to see his brother’s worried face. 

It hurt so much worse to say the words again. 

“He’s gone. He left.”

He didn’t have the strength to tell his brother any more than that. Instead, he shoved the letter that had been clutched in his hands towards his brother and let him read for himself. 

Dean couldn’t watch his brother’s face as he realized that Cas was gone because of Dean. Because he didn’t understand just how much Dean needed him—how the mere thought of binding himself to Cas was everything he’d ever need.

He was so ashamed that Castiel believed Dean was only doing this out of loyalty. That the only reason Dean would be willing to bind their lives together was because he and Dean were friends. Of course, Dean would’ve still done it in a heartbeat if that were the case, but how did Cas not know that it was so much _more_ than just duty? 

Why hadn’t Dean ever told him? 

The knot in his stomach churned as he found himself once again picturing the grey paler to Cas’s face. He could feel the time Cas had left ticking down inside of him, telling him it was only a matter of time before Cas was really gone from this earth.

“We’ll find him.”

He’d almost forgotten his brother was in the room with him. 

Dean looked up at Sam’s determined voice and shook his head. His brother sounded so undeniably sure that they could do this, like he hadn’t just read the same letter Dean had.

“How?” Dean pleaded. “He doesn’t want to be found.”

Warding’s up, phones gone, GPS tracking gone. What were they supposed to do? 

They only had a few weeks before Cas—

He was gone. Dean wasn’t getting him back and it was all his fault. 

“I don’t know,” Sam declared. “But we’ll find him.”

Every past experience they’d had suddenly screamed in the back of his mind telling him that he’d never be so lucky, that he'd lost the one thing that brought him hope in such a dark life. Why would he deserve to get Castiel back? In what world would Dean Winchester find his happy ending? It wasn’t in the cards for them. Things had been going too smoothly that it was time to rip the rug from underneath them. 

But the thought of never seeing Cas again… he couldn’t bear it. He finally had his family altogether. They were safe and happy and he was supposed to keep them that way. 

“Sammy—”

He wasn’t supposed to lean on his brother like this, but with Sam’s hands clasping his shoulder and his brother’s assuring stare, Dean latched onto the hope. If anyone could find Cas it would be Sam.

“We know he’s still alive,” Sam assured comfortingly. “Rowena said he had at least a month left in him. We have a month to find him.”

The odds didn’t feel good, in fact, they sounded downright abysmal. Sam and Rowena had both seen the shape Cas had been in. There was no way that someone who could hardly stay on his feet could make it a month. And if, by some incredible odds, they could find him in time, what shape would he be in? What if a month had just been Rowena trying to give Dean hope? What if she knew better and hadn’t wanted to tell them the truth because she knew how Dean would react?

“What if we don’t?” Dean asked, Sam knew better than anyone how badly these odds were stacked against them but his brother nodded his head in determination. 

“We will,” he promised. “We’re going to find him in time.”

He wished he could be as confident as his brother, and maybe in any other circumstance he could be. He was latching on to the optimism Sam was trying to project, praying that this was going to turn out in his favor but in the dark corners of his mind, this felt like the end.

And if it truly was, how sad that the last thing he did with his time with Cas was give him a chipped ring and be too scared to hug him. 

That’s what he got in their last moments together?

He’d pictured the end too many times because in their line of work the end was always looming. In his mind, he was the one to go out. He was the one who’d meet his end in a hunt gone wrong and he’d die comfortably knowing Sam and Cas were alive and they were going to look out for each other. In his mind he pictured Cas living on once both he and Sam were gone. The thought always broke his heart, not wanting the Angel to be alone, but there was comfort in knowing that he and Sam would be a memory Cas would look back on as he continued to do good in the world. 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Dean was never meant to outlive Cas. He was supposed to be the one to go out first, to ask Cas to watch over Sammy and to promise not to bring him back. Dean wasn’t supposed to lose Cas. Not again. 

“I can’t—I can’t do this again.” 

Sam’s grip on him tightened, working to ground Dean just a fraction.

“You won’t,” Sam promised. “We will find him.”

He believed in his brother but Dean was certain he’d pissed off the universe too many times to be too hopeful. 

Sam seemed to understand that Dean needed some time to be alone with his thoughts and got up with a final pat on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Wait,” Dean called out, remembering. “Cas left you a note too.” 

Sam looked to the bed where the two other notes were still perched too perfectly against the pillows. He seemed to hesitate for a minute before deciding not to read it, taking it with him as he walked to the door. 

Dean figured his brother was trying to save him from a little more heartbreak. 

He was sure he already knew what the note said. _Don’t worry about me. Look out for Jack. This isn’t your fault either._

Dean should’ve done better. Even looking around Cas’s room, it was clear Dean hadn’t done enough to make the angel feel welcomed. The walls were bare, the pillows and blankets were old and cheap, even the fucking tile was falling apart. It was no wonder Cas didn’t feel he had a real home with them. 

If they got him back… it was going to be different. 

He stayed in the room, sitting on the unforgiving tile a while longer. Long enough for Sam to drop off a sandwich, telling him he needed to eat something. 

It wasn’t until the tile beneath him started causing his body to ache that he pulled himself off the ground. He grabbed the sandwich and nibbled on it as he sat at the edge of the rickety bed, knowing not eating wouldn’t help him find Cas sooner. 

When he couldn’t stand the silence or the chill in the room any longer, he shuffled down the hallway towards the war room where he heard Sam talking in hushed tones. Dean moved just enough into view to see his brother speaking to Rowena.

“There has to be something you can try.”

By Sam’s tone alone, Dean knew Rowena didn’t have any ideas for how to find the angel and it was only confirmed when the witch spoke.

“I’ll look in my books but he is an angel, Samuel. There isn’t much I can do to one who doesn’t want to be found.”

“Anything you can do, please. I don’t think Dean—” Sam cut himself off, but Dean figured he knew what he was going to say.

_‘I don’t think Dean can handle losing Cas again.’_

It wasn’t really a secret, and hadn’t been for a long time, that the piece of Dean’s life that was Cas-shaped was a large and important one to him. When it was missing, parts of Dean were too, and most of the time he didn’t really know which way was up.

“I’ll do what I can,” the redhead confirmed. Her tone sounded grave and what Dean could see of her face looked to be frowning too. “Any ideas you find, call me and I’ll see what I can do.”

He heard chairs moving and the sound of a bag being zipped and found himself moving out into the open space as Rowena was about to start her ascent up the stairs.

“We have time right? To find him?” 

The pit in his stomach churned as Rowena looked over to him. She frowned as she gravely nodded her head. 

“We do, but it’s not much. We need to be fast.” 

“Please—” 

He wasn’t certain what he was begging for, a miracle perhaps. 

“I’ll do what I can,” Rowena responded with pity in her voice. “I’ll look through every book I have and make a few calls.” 

Dean nodded, unsure what else he could even say, but his stomach dropped when Rowena added, “You might want to reach out to our wee angel, to let him know what is happening.” 

Jack.

How could he have been so selfish and not even think about how this would affect Jack? 

What the hell were they going to say to not worry him? 

Since getting Gabriel and Jack back, the Nephilim had been spending his time between heaven and the Winchesters practicing his hunting skills while working with the angels to grow his abilities and restore the peace upstairs. The kid already had so much on his plate, it seemed unfair to dump this news on him, but what other choice did they have? 

Perhaps the only benefit to upsetting the kid was the possibility that maybe his connection with Cas would be enough to change Cas’s mind. Or maybe Jack could find someone in heaven willing to help them even when a large chunk of the angels were still against Cas. 

Whatever the case, Dean still had to actually tell Jack what was going on. 

He tried to prepare himself for what he was going to say. How was he supposed to reassure Jack that they were going to do everything they could to get Cas back when he wasn’t very confident in the outcome himself? He considered asking Sammy to do all the talking but in the end, Dean felt like it had to be him to say it. Because come hell or high water, Dean was going to do everything in his power to make this right. He was scared out of his mind that none of it would work out, but he was willing to go door to door across the country—across the world, until he found Cas. 

Knowing he couldn’t put it off any longer, he sat at the edge of Cas’s bed, with the letter to Jack still situated on the top of the covers and bowed his head, mostly out of habit.

“Jack, if you’ve got your ears on, I know you just got back up there and you and Gabriel are busy but this is urgent. It’s about Castiel. I need you down here.”

Before Dean had even finished his sentence the telltale sound of wings and a slight burst of wind filled the room.

“Dean, what is it?”

Already, Jack looked worried, looking around the room for any danger. 

“Hey kiddo.”

Despite the way his chest was constricted enough it was hard to breath, there was a rush of warmth that seeped into him seeing Jack standing in the room. He was still so young but he wore himself proudly, his shoulders were higher like he knew he had a purpose which he was realizing now. He was still in the bunker more than he was out of it, especially for pancake Sunday, and he had his own room whenever he felt like getting away from all the politics up in the sky. Really, Jack was doing good and Dean was really fucking proud of him.

He really didn’t want to have to deliver the news.

Jack seemed to know something was wrong and wasted no time asking. 

Dean patted the bed next to him and waited until Jack sat down to finally say it, struggling with having to say it again out loud—the words tasting like bile on his tongue.

“Cas left.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know Cas made it not seem as bad as it was,” Dean started, feeling his jaw ache with tension as he tried to hold his emotions in. “But the witch that hexed him? She was still taking all of his Grace so we reached out to Rowena to see if she could finally fix it when you and Sam were tracking her yesterday. And well—Rowena said she could fix it by linking my soul with his Grace. I thought we were going to do it but he left before we could perform the ritual.”

Jack took a minute to digest Dean’s information before asking, “When?”

It was clear the kid was feeling the same sense of guilt Dean had when he realized that he hadn’t been there to stop Cas in his tracks.

“Sometime last night,” he confessed, his lip attempting to quiver despite trying to force the emotions away. 

He should’ve been able to stop him. 

“Why would he leave?” Jack asked and Dean could sense the kid getting upset. He placed a hand on his shoulder as an attempt at comfort, perhaps more for himself than Jack. 

“I’m not really sure,” Dean admitted. “But he warded himself and doesn’t want to be found.” 

He could feel his anger building up as he realized how hopeless it all looked. What the fuck was Cas thinking? 

“Look, he doesn’t have a lot of time before his Grace is completely gone,” Dean went on. “But we’re doing everything we can to try and find him.”

It all ached in a way Dean couldn’t entirely put to words. He’d lost a lot of people before, he’d lost Cas before, and the helpless, empty feeling that weighed him down wasn’t easy to live with.

“I’ll look too,” Jack declared. 

Dean knew this would be Jack’s top priority and felt a little guilty for putting this burden on him, but Cas was important to all of them, especially Jack. The thought made him wonder. 

“Do you think you could track him?” He asked hopefully. “I know you two are connected somehow and maybe if anyone could reach him it’d be you?”

“I’ll try,” Jack responded before closing his eyes and presumably searching for Cas in whatever way angels did. It wasn’t long before fear showed in Jack’s features. He looked at Dean with wide-eyes. 

“I… I can’t sense him. He closed himself off to me. Dean, why would he do this?”

Not able to bear seeing Jack so distraught, Dean pulled him into a quick hug—maybe more for himself than he wanted to admit.

“It’s my fault,” he confessed, choking on the words. “He… he doesn’t want to… he doesn’t think I’d be okay with being bound to him for the rest of my life.”

“Why would he think that?”

_Because I failed him again,_ Dean thought to himself.

“It’s complicated, buddy.”

“You care for him, don’t you?” 

Dean hated the question but mostly hated that it had to be asked in the first place. If people didn’t already know just how deeply he cared for Cas, it was no surprise Castiel himself didn’t see it either. 

His answer came out of his mouth easily, because the answer was as simple as breathing.

“Course I do”

“What are we supposed to do?”

Dean wished more than anything he had the power to fix this all, to go back to when they’d decided on the ritual and demand they did it that night like his gut had told him to. But his life wasn’t ever meant to be easy so now he had to fight against everything telling him that he’d never have something this good and try to get Cas back.

“Do you think you could ask upstairs if they know of any way to find him? Rowena said the hex cuts him off from the Host but it’s still worth a shot.”

Jack nodded insistently, “I’ll find whatever I can.”

“Thanks, kiddo.” He patted Jack on the shoulder.

It was when Jack moved to stand that Dean remembered.

“Wait, before you leave. He left you something.”

He handed Jack the letter and watched as Jack carefully folded it open and read. Dean gave the boy his privacy but couldn’t help but be curious when Jack’s face screwed up in pain.

“What does it say?”

“It says…. It says he’s proud of me, that he wishes he could watch me grow up, that he’s sorry for not being able to raise me like my mother wished, and… and to take care of you and Sam.”

Dean’s heart cracked open seeing the wetness brew in Jack’s eyes. He looked so young and vulnerable that Dean wanted to do anything to make it stop. The kid had already lost so much, too much, and Dean couldn’t really fathom what kind of blow this must be to lose yet another parent.

“Dean… I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to not see him again. I—I haven’t had enough time….”

Dean’s own tears couldn’t keep away and he crushed Jack to his chest, rocking him a little to help him calm down.

“I know, kid. I know. We’ll find him somehow. We won’t let him get away from us this easy.” A part of him wanted to throttle Cas for leaving them all behind like this, but a larger part of himself just wanted to go back in time and tell Cas everything that he’d kept to himself. Maybe if Cas would’ve known all along they wouldn’t have found themselves here at all.

“Anything you can do. I know heaven doesn’t want to help us, but maybe for this?” Dean asked hopefully.

Jack nodded, “I’ll ask.”

A gentle knock came from the open door. Dean looked up to see his brother standing there with two steaming mugs and a sad frown.

“I thought you two could use some coffee?”

“Thanks Sammy.”

“Jack, let Gabriel know what’s going on but tell him we know he’s got a lot with heaven going on and to put that first, we’ll ask for him if we get desperate.”

Dean wanted to protest that nothing could be more important than this but he understood Sam’s point. Gabriel was literally trying to make all of the angels left get onto the same page and return heaven to its best form—if it ever had one to begin with. He wasn’t opposed to being selfish when it came to his family but they already had Jack and Rowena able to help.

But if a few days went by and there was no progress, Dean would figure out a way to make some. He wasn’t above demon deals but knowing he had to have a soul to tether Cas to, he couldn’t go there either. They’d find a way.

They had to.


	4. Chapter 4

Nothing.

Nothing was turning up.

It had been a week but it felt like years. Dean hadn’t slept, hadn’t showered, and had only eaten what Sam had forced him to eat while they were scouring the internet for any sign. They had trackings on any alias Castiel had ever gone by, they were searching all over the States for any miraculous events that could be caused by a too kind angel who just wanted to help the less fortunate. Dean had even called out to Rexford, Idaho in hopes that maybe Cas would want to return there out of sentiment but nothing was turning up.

He felt sick to his stomach constantly, worried out of his mind that the estimation on Cas having a month to live was too high. It’d been seven days, what if he only had a few more left? What if he was already gone?

They knew Jack was doing everything he could on his side of things but with the angels still pretty hesitant to trust anyone, they weren’t hearing much else they could do but wait and hope for the best.

He knew by the way Sam kept looking at him that he probably didn’t look so hot. He was scruffy and disgusting in his pajamas and smelled a little weird but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Until he knew they had any shot of actually finding Cas, he didn’t care to try and make everyone else think he was doing okay.

He vaguely recognized that he’d been staring into space in the war room with an untouched glass of watered down tea that Sam had left him who knows how long ago. He was only mildly aware of his surroundings when a shrill voice popped up behind him, making him jump.

“Deano! Your distress signals are nauseating.”

He nearly fell out of his seat, flailing until he stayed balanced and could glare at the intruder who had plopped down in a chair opposite Dean.

“Gabe? What the fuck?”

The pint-sized archangel wore his obnoxious grin and perched at the end of the war table. 

“Jack told me Cas pulled this whole ‘skedaddle’ trick on us, making it a _little_ hard to find him.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed coolly, frustrated that they even needed to talk about this. 

“Whoa, why so glum there, freckles?”

In addition to his lack of personal hygiene, Dean’s patience was also not being kept in check and he didn’t bother trying to reel in his frustration. 

“If you’re not here to say you found him then you need to fuck off and go bother someone else.”   
It was needlessly hostile and it didn’t make him feel any better but he was a mix of fury and devastation most of the time and had no clue how to channel it. 

He took a drink of the iced tea Sam was insisting he drink, having thrown out all the alcohol before Dean could even try and use it as a coping mechanism. The drink didn’t have quite the same effect as taking a chug of beer. 

Maybe Gabriel understood where Dean was coming from because he didn’t call Dean out on being an ass like Sam would have. It was only a small blessing, considering Gabe didn’t leave and was still planning to actually talk to Dean. 

“Well no can do on the locating spells,” Gabe said unhelpfully and Dean could feel his blood start to boil. 

“ _But_ there is a way I think could work.”

Sam must’ve heard Gabriel from wherever he’d been in the bunker and welcomed himself into the conversation, grabbing a seat at the head of the war table.

“Care to enlighten us,” the taller man asked, looking about as riveted by this conversation as Dean was. Gabriel was hit or miss with his ability to help in the past, so their hopes weren’t ultimately that high. Yeah he was doing good shit and stepping up to the plate in heaven but once a trickster, always a trickster. 

“Jack said the witch is sucking my baby bro off?” Gabriel asked, trying and failing miserably to lighten the mood but neither Dean or his brother were feeling very humorous. 

“No? Not funny? Okay,” He shifted in his chair and braced his elbows on the table, dropping the unnaturally excitable look on his face. “Look, I just thought I should come out and tell you that I might know a way to find him.”

The even-keel tone caught Dean’s attention. The archangel seemed no longer in the mood to joke around but something seemed to be weighing on him. He didn’t speak for a while, and when he did, it appeared to take a lot of effort to get the words out.

“When… when Asmodeus had me and was siphoning my Grace, if he didn’t trap it fast enough or if any of it wasn’t contained immediately in the right container, it would always come right back to me.” 

Dean spared a glance to his brother who, unsurprisingly, seemed to have a lightbulb go off. Choosing not to interrupt, Dean turned back to Gabe and continued listening. 

“It infuriated him when it happened and he insisted I was doing it purposefully. At first I thought maybe I was, because that’d make sense, right? If my juice is being taken from me, I’m going to want to keep it. But when things got bad and I was more… complacent… and I truly didn’t want it to come back to me knowing what would happen, it still did when he wasn’t being careful.” 

Gabriel seemed truly haunted by the memories, enough that Dean felt the urge to stop him from having to relive it, but knowing what Gabriel had to say could help Cas, Dean couldn’t bring himself to stop the archangel. 

“That’s when I realized, or maybe I had known already, that Grace wants to be connected to its angel and will fight to get back to it because that’s how it’s the strongest.” 

When the angel stopped talking and stared into space, Dean looked to his brother to know what to do. Sam seemed to understand what Gabe’s story meant and shook his head at Dean, his silent signal telling Dean to wait until Gabe was ready to finish. 

With a heavy sigh, Gabe turned back to them, a wall clearly forming around the toxic memories in his mind. He composed himself enough to force his signature smirk back on his face. 

“I think if the witch has a hold of Cassie’s Grace, it’s possible we can extract some and let it lead us to him. The pull should be strong enough to get through warding, or at least I hope it is.” 

A surge of hope hit Dean like lightning before the thunder of reality screamed in the dark corners of his mind, telling him it was too simple. 

All they needed to do was extract Grace from the witch who was killing him and it would guide them to Cas like a beacon? 

It seemed too good to be true.

“Why haven’t we heard about this before?” Dean asked, his pessimism winning out.

Just by looking at his brother, he could sense that Sam was wondering the same thing. 

“How often are you pulling Grace out of Angels?” Gabe asked, trying to sound wistful. When neither Sam or Dean answered, the shorter man sighed heavily. “Look, this should work.” 

“And what if it doesn’t?” Dean challenged. He’d be damned if he let himself believe with just a few straightforward steps they could get Cas back and make sure his angel was not on the verge of death, when in reality it was just a shot in the dark. 

He knew full well he’d run into this blindly, since it was the only option they seemed to be given, but he was going to make sure he knew how badly it was stacked against them. 

They only had three weeks left, _maybe._ And with how bad of shape Cas was in before he ran off, there was no telling how grave he was now. 

Dean really didn’t like these odds.

“It might not. And if it doesn’t, then I’m out of ideas,” Gabe admitted. “I’m still asking around. I’m as interested in getting Cas back as you are.” 

“Do you think you can find the witch?” Sam asked. 

Dean had seen that authoritative glare on his brother before, but it wasn’t until that moment that he actually appreciated it. Sam was good at being a leader and keeping his head on in a crisis. And with Dean virtually useless these days, he was glad his brother was making sure they were all moving in the right direction. 

“If he can’t, I can.” 

Dead hadn’t been aware that Rowena was at the bunker, but he hadn’t been aware of much lately. A werewolf could be sitting under his chair and he’d probably be none the wiser. 

At least it was a plan. He didn’t have much hope that it would work but he was going to try it anyway. He’d try anything.

_Cas if you can hear me, you better not be dead already. We’re going to find you and bring you home. Capeesh?_


	5. Chapter 5

The plan was lackluster at best: find the witch, subdue her, siphon enough Grace not to kill her, keep her trapped and alive until finding Cas, then tether Dean’s soul to Cas.

It was too straight forward. Too many variables that could go horribly wrong but Dean wasn’t up for questioning any of it. He had a distinct feeling Sam, Rowena, Gabe, and Jack were purposefully keeping a lot of the details to themselves.

The way he saw it, he’d already fucked things up enough--he didn’t need to be the reason the entire plan went to shit too. It was almost a relief to let his brother take point on this one while Dean could just focus on how he was going to convince Cas to let Dean save his life if they found him. 

There were so many things he knew he needed to say but with more than a decade of words unsaid, he wasn’t sure where he should start. In his ideal world, he would be able to tell Cas how important he was, and how much Dean wanted him by his side. He wanted to be able to tell Cas that he wasn’t just his family but he was his home. 

So many times he’d had the chance to say something, but every time he held back. The uncertainty of knowing how Cas would respond or how it would work out if Cas did feel the same way in return kept him from confessing it all. 

He’d run into too many hunters over the years who refused to get close to anyone, and for a while, Dean felt like they had a good point. Love, in this line of work, made people have weaknesses, and weaknesses got people dead. But as he grew up, he realized the people he grew close to were the reasons he had to keep fighting when everything went to shit. He knew love was worth it, but it still terrified him. 

He was a hunter. He’d gone against some of the biggest bads the world had ever seen. He’d ended the fucking apocolypse more than once yet he was brought to his knees by the idea of cracking his heart wide open and allowing himself to finally have the thing he’d denied himself for so long. 

He was an idiot. A very, very worried idiot. 

He laid in bed each night now, wondering if Cas had found somewhere to sleep or if he was out on the streets struggling to stay warm. He wondered if Cas had food and water and was actually consuming it since he’d been refusing to eat before he left. Did he have money? Was anyone helping him? Had anyone found him and he’d been in danger this whole time? 

The worry tumbled into self-hatred, cursing himself for not hearing Cas leave—for not insisting that they perform the ritual that very night. For not chasing after him even if it would have been futile because maybe Cas had only left minutes before Dean woke up. Maybe he could have found him.

He needed to see Cas and know that he was okay. 

A burst of flames pulled Dean out of his spiraling thoughts, drawing his attention to the map Rowena had just lit on fire with a tracking spell. Sam and Jack had been working nonstop to make sure Rowena could complete the spell and it looked like it was succeeding as the flames burned the edges of the paper until there were only a few inches of map left. 

Dean moved instinctively around the table to get a better look, begging for them to have an easy location but any ounce of optimism he’d had for that brief moment washed out of him.

“That’s almost an entire state!”

The area of the map leftover was hundreds of miles. He didn’t know what the fuck they were going to do with this information. 

“The Grace must be protecting her from us getting a more precise reading,” Rowena tried to explain but Dean didn’t care. The fucking bitch had won, again. 

He didn’t mean to hit the table so hard but he was very obviously handling none of this well. Searching an entire state could take weeks and they didn’t have that kind of time.

“Dean, wait,” Jack spoke. “I think if we get there, I can pinpoint it closer. You said it yourself that me and Cas have a connection, so maybe if I’m in range I could feel his Grace.”

“‘Maybe’ doesn’t find him,” Dean shouted, flinching back against himself when he realized who he’d just yelled at. 

“But it’s better than what we have now,” Sam argued, glaring at Dean for his outburst.

He reeled himself in, taking a few breaths before apologizing to Jack. It was all they had to go on, and if maybes were going to get him back to Cas, then it was better than nothing. 

“Fine. We’re leaving in ten.”

He threw some clothes into his bag carelessly and shoved whatever pre-packed toiletries he had into his duffel as well but he didn’t zip it quite yet. 

He wasn’t sure what was going to happen or what the outcome would be but he knew if they did find Cas, the angel might be in pretty rough shape. With a little more care than before he repacked his bag, adding a few more sweatpants and shirts, a sweatshirt, and some necessary toiletries. He prayed that he’d actually get the chance to use them. 

By the time he got to the car, Jack had already left, wanting to get started on trying to pinpoint the witch’s location. Sam and Rowena had already shoved any and all things witch into the back of the car and were both ready to go. 

Dean shuffled himself over to the passenger side and threw Sammy the keys, not fully trusting himself at this point. His mind was usually clear when he was behind Baby’s wheel but with how out of his mind he’d been over all of this, he felt it was best to let Sam handle this drive.

The drive to Wyoming wasn’t largely eventful. Jack called frequently to tell them where he was located and if he could feel anything but so far nothing had turned up.

It was evening by the time they got into their motel room and they hadn’t heard from Jack in a while. Dean had already convinced himself that they wouldn’t and was pacing the room as Sam and Rowena poured over backup ideas. 

He was sick to his stomach with worry and no matter how hard he tried to be hopeful, he knew the odds had always been stacked against him.

He’d lost so many people in his life that he knew it was inevitable that something like this would happen but it didn’t mean he was prepared for it. His friends and family were the reason he was breathing and every time he lost one of them it chipped away pieces of him, but he continued trekking. But he knew if this didn’t pan out and they ran out of time before they found Cas he wasn’t going to come out the other side in one piece. 

His brother, his angel, his kid… those were the three pieces his heart was made up of and the thought of one of them gone was unbearable. They were the good the world needed and Dean was supposed to be the one to make sure they were all safe and alive. 

He didn’t want to always remember letting Cas walk away that night in the kitchen, forever living with the fact that he never knew what it felt like to hold his angel, or to show him how much Dean needed him. He’d live the rest of his life with three words forever stuck on the tip of his tongue and it would be hell.

He’d lost Cas enough times to know he didn’t want to go on with that emptiness. He’d do it, for Sam and Jack, but it would kill him.

He’d managed to walk himself outside and slump down on the curb. It took everything in him to keep the emotion from releasing. 

Sam’s footfall came up behind him before coming to a stop as Sam sat down next to him. 

His brother said nothing. He didn’t have to. Dean knew Sam was just as worried about the outcome of this as Dean himself. Cas was probably his brother’s best friend and deep-down Dean knew it would be a blow to him too if they lost Cas.

As scared as he was, sometimes none of it even seemed real. He kept thinking that Cas was just going to hear his prayers and then suddenly poof into existence if Dean called out to him enough. Then reality would come and punch him in the gut, reminding him that this was _his_ life and he lost more often than he won. 

“What if I don’t know?” Dean asked into the silence. His throat clenched tight with emotion. He hated feeling this helpless and raw but they’d been down this road too many damn times. He was sick of pretending like he didn’t feel anything about it.

“Don’t know what?”

“When it happens… I should feel something right?” His vision started to grow blurry around the edges. He swiped at his eyes to bat the tears away but more were already replenishing. “I should know when he’s… when he’s…. I felt it… all the other times. I’ll know right?”

He couldn’t say it. If he said it, it would just make it more real. It would be the end; he was sure of it.

Sam draped his arm around his shoulders. “He’s not going anywhere,” his brother insisted. 

“You don’t know that. He might already be…”

“He’s not.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if you’re wrong.”

Dean sat out on the curb for a while, even after Sam went back inside to talk to Rowena. 

If things were normal, Dean might’ve given more thought to how nice of a day it was. The temperature was comfortable, the winds were cool, the birds were chirping, but Dean could only see the mud on Baby’s rims, and the scuff at the bottom of her door frame where Cas had opened her into a curb about a month ago. 

At the time, Dean had grumbled under his breath about how Cas wasn’t ever allowed to touch Baby again, when on the inside he imagined finally dragging Cas out to the garage with him on the weekend and teaching him how to do a little body work. That’s where his mind had been, thinking of things he could experience with Cas, basic human lessons or skills he could teach him, just so they had excuses to spend more time together. Since the world had mostly gone silent apart from a few pesky monsters here and there, Dean wanted to actually experience the simple parts of life and he’d been so excited to get to bring Cas along for most of them. 

Just like all the things he left unsaid, there were too many memories they never made. He wanted to rewind and redo all the time he’d been too scared and just let himself experience all of it: the good, the bad, the fights, the laughter. 

This Grace and soul bonding was supposed to be his in. All that night as he’d laid in bed he’d pictured himself using the excuse of the bond to start taking the baby steps to do nice things and let Cas know that Dean was all in. But it shouldn’t have taken his friend nearly dying and a magical solution to light the fire under his ass. He should have been doing this from the moment he realized the way he loved Cas was nothing like how he’d ever loved another person. 

He never should have let himself run out of time. Not when he knew how their lives worked. 

A phone rang shrilly from inside and Dean could hear his brother’s voice through the motel window. 

“Jack? Where are you?”

“I think I’ve got her in a five-mile radius,” the nephilim’s voice replied over the speaker phone. 

“You do?”

“I’m trying to narrow it further. Could you look and see if there’s anywhere around where I’m at that she could be hiding?”

Dean jumped off his feet and quickly shuffled inside to peer over his brother’s shoulder as Sam looked at a map on his computer. 

Sam and Jack spoke back and forth until Sam pointed at the screen frantically. 

“Abandoned shopping center, fifteen miles from us.” 

“I’ll meet you both there,” Jack declared. 

“Don’t go in without us. You wait, you hear me?” Dean asked before Sam could hang up the phone. 

“I will. Just hurry.” 

Within moments Dean was in the passenger seat as Rowena and Sam clambered in. The door had hardly closed before Sam was squealing out of the parking lot.

 _Please don’t let this be too good to be true,_ Dean prayed.


	6. Chapter 6

The plan was that they didn’t really have a plan at all. 

There was no doubt in Dean’s mind that the witch knew they were coming and it only made it more evident as they came squealing into the back parking lot of the warehouse after Sam had floored it down the state highway. 

They could’ve used a game plan but they’d done this enough to know that she was going to throw everything she had at them and they would just have to think fast. Any plan would probably be useless against someone juiced up on angel-powered dark magic. 

Dean flew out of the car and checked that he had his gun, already on a mission to storm in there and put a bullet in her thigh. 

Before he could march on in, his brother grabbed him by the arm, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Look, Dean, I don’t think it’s good if you go in first.”

He could hear it in his brother’s voice that Sam was worried Dean would walk in there and lose his cool, but with Cas’s life literally on the line, there was no way Dean would chance being stupid. 

“Sam I hardly know what the plan is here, you, Rowena, and Jack know what you’re doing and need to get the cuffs on her as soon as possible. Let me be the distraction.”

Sam didn’t look entirely convinced but he was intelligent to know that arguing with Dean about this was going to get him nowhere. 

“Fine. Just be careful.”

Dean knew they were walking into a warzone. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind he was about to get his ass handed to him by this witch, but as long as she focused her attention on him and ignored the rest of them long enough, they could subdue her. 

He didn’t waste his time kicking the shit out of the back door and running in there guns-a-blazing, aiming near her feet and around her to spook her just a bit. But as he predicted the moment she caught a glance at him, he was thrown across the room and slammed into the drywall. 

His knees gave a crack as he landed fully on them, making it hard to pull himself back up off the ground but he had a mission to accomplish. With the other gun he’d hidden in his boot, he shot off a few more rounds, sinking a watered down version of their witch killing bullets right into the meat of her thigh. 

Just as he got the hit, Sam and Jack came running in ready to get her tied down.

She continued to throw magic Dean’s way, singeing the edge of his jacket but her magic seemed less accurate now with the bullet lodged in her leg. 

It still took Jack’s powers and Sam’s muscle to hold her down long enough to get the cuffs on her and hook her around a cement beam in the warehouse. 

The Grace inside her was visibly still coursing through her making her nearly strong enough to break the cuffs. 

Jack looked prepared for this though and had laser focused on keeping her subdued long enough for Rowena to begin the extraction. 

As Rowena quickly pulled out the needle, the younger witch started kicking and thrashing against the pole, obviously knowing what was about to happen. 

It wasn’t until she started snarling hatred at them that Dean realized just how grotesque the woman looked. Her hair was dark and matted, wildly laying around her pale and sunken face. Despite the angel-juice she had coursing through her, she appeared to be deteriorating and Dean briefly wondered if her body was rejecting the Grace inside of her. 

Before he could think much of it, she locked eye contact with him and smiled with her browning teeth. She had not looked like that a month ago. 

“You’re never going to find him,” she said with her devilish grin. Her black eyes looked at him wildly and he could feel the rot of her words begin to creep into the pit in his stomach. 

“I can feel his life draining every minute. He’s weak. He isn’t going to make it much longer.”

She cackled as Dean tried to keep his gun trained on her other leg, ready to shoot if she managed to fight even Jack’s power. 

He could see out of the corner of his eye that Rowena was nearly set up with her ingredients for the spell and was moving as rapidly as she could. 

“I can take his life right now,” the witch threatened. “You do this and I’ll kill him right now!” 

It infuriated him that she was already getting to him. The hunter part of him knew this was a scare tactic but the part of him that didn’t want Cas dead almost believed she was telling the truth. 

He knew his brother could probably see how the words were sinking in, leaving Sam to ask with urgency if Rowena could hurry up. 

“Yes, you’ll just need to hold her still,” she confirmed, looking at Sam and Jack. 

“Jack, help me,” Sam commanded as he shifted his hold on the witch. He had her by one of her arms while his other hand held her head back against the cement column, ensuring that Rowena could get to her throat with the needle. 

As her head tilted back, Dean could see the hint of vulnerability in her eyes but it was quickly masked by her unhinged glare. 

This woman had no remorse for the things she’d done, for the people she killed or the fact that she had wanted to target his own child to keep herself young forever. He wanted her dead for the things that she’d done but he wanted her butchered for what she’d done to Cas. 

Rowena seemed poised and ready to do this and started giving Sam directions for what would need to happen the moment the Grace was extracted, but Dean was too distracted to pay attention. 

The witch had caught his eye and was still smiling grotesquely. 

“He’ll be dead when you find him,” she taunted with a hollow laugh. “And it’ll be all your fault.” 

A blood curdling scream filled the room as Rowena jabbed the needle deep into her throat and carefully pulled a stream of Grace from her neck. The witch thrashed and snarled as the Grace was forcefully extracted from her, just enough to fill part of the vile. 

“That should be enough,” Rowena commented once the glowing liquid filled the tube “We unfortunately can’t put her down just yet.”

Rowena carefully carried the Grace over to her makeshift work area and began throwing ingredients into the bowl as Sam and Jack continued to hold the witch down. 

She still was fixated on Dean, taunting him in her hopes to get them to set her free. 

“You really don’t care about him do you?” She spat. “You’re killing him by doing this. I’m already draining all his life, all that’s left of it.” 

“Shut up.” Dean growled, feeling himself unhinge. 

“He only has hours left and you won’t make it in time.” 

She was forcefully shoved back to where she’d been laying by Sam’s unrelenting grip, clearly pissing off the other Winchester brother as well.

Dean could hear Rowena incanting over the Grace. This seemed to only piss the restrained witch off more. 

“He’s already dead! I can feel it! You’ll just find his lifeless shell of a body. You took too long.” 

“I said shut the fuck up,” Dean screamed but before he could lash out in anger, Sam had already managed to knock her out, just enough that she wouldn’t be a bother for any longer. They had an angel to find.


	7. Chapter 7

With the wicked witch of the west passed out, Dean’s attention shifted to Rowena. 

The red-head was focused on her words, adding a few more ingredients as the inflection of her voice lifted and fell. With a few more words, the bowl flashed brightly causing everyone in the room to flinch back a little. 

Dean’s eyes took a moment to adjust and when they did a swirling orb of Grace was hovering over the bowl, unmoving, and clearly not guiding them in any direction. 

They all waited with baited breath, wondering if at any minute it would fly off or if it would lay out on the map Rowena had placed out and guide them to where Castiel was. 

But it never moved. 

It just hovered, right over the bowl, the golden light moving within the orb--its own lifeforce. 

The tendrils of hope Dean had clinged to, trying to convince himself this would work, washed out of him like a broken damn. 

“It didn’t work,” he choked as all the breath rushed from his lungs.

The blob of light stayed unmoving, taunting all of them for being stupid enough to believe it would work. 

Dean felt his breathing grow unstable as the witch’s words came stampeding into his mind. What if Cas was on his last breath? What if time had run out? What if the orb not moving meant that it had nowhere to go? That because it was floating there meant the witch hadn’t been lying. Cas was already dead and the Grace had no host to get back to. 

How would they ever find his body? They wouldn’t even be able to have a hunter’s funeral and that thought alone destroyed Dean.

He’d never get to say goodbye. 

His eyes were flooded with tears as he looked away from the bowl. He looked to his brother who looked upset, but Jack stood there looking absolutely devastated. 

The kid looked between all of them, lost and pleading. “Something must’ve gone wrong,” the Nephilim said. “Just try it again.” 

“Nothing went wrong,” Rowena explained, pity heavy in her eyes. 

“It had to! Just try it again,” Jack begged. 

“No,” Dean replied forcefully. “It was a fucking longshot and we knew it!”

He couldn’t handle this failure. This was their only plan to get back to Cas and it didn’t fucking work. He didn’t want to watch as Rowena followed the same steps to get the same fucking result. 

They lost him and that was it. 

“Dean,” his brother tried to say soothingly but Dean couldn’t handle it.

They had no other way of finding Cas. The witch herself said that he was already dead and she must’ve been right. She had a direct fucking connection to his Grace and if the looks of her were anything to go by, it wasn’t enough. She was decaying before them which meant Cas was probably long gone. 

It’d been well over a month since Cas had first been blasted. Maybe that had been all the time they had. Maybe they wasted all the time on this plan because they’d been too stubborn to ask for help immediately.

They fucked up and Cas was gone. This Grace had nowhere to lead them because it had no final destination.

“No! Don’t tell me to calm down,” Dean cried. “This was our only chance and we fucking lost it.”

The room felt like it was spinning. He wasn’t handling this well but he didn’t see any other way to handle it. He just lost his best friend and quite possibly the love of his life and there was nothing he could do about it. He was done trying to be composed because he was _destroyed_ by this. 

“It’s fucking pointless.”

As Dean’s fist collided with the side of the bowl, a burst of warmth struck him back. He looked down in shock to see the orb of Grace elongate and stretch out enough to swirl up the entirety of his arm, criss crossing in warm trails of magic as it passed every inch of his forearm… his shoulder… across his chest until it reached his left arm, surrounding his bicep in a braid. 

His body shook as the enchanted Grace seeped into his body, causing his breath to rush out of him. 

His eyes fell closed as the warmth of the Grace filled him down to his toes leaving peace and calmness in its wake. A sensation of understanding and clarity rushed over him, settling the knot that had been in his stomach for over a month. 

He opened his eyes to the sound of his brother calling his name and the worried looks from Rowena and Jack. 

“I know where he is,” he breathed, feeling his face turn up in a smile. 

“What? How?” Sam questioned, obviously stunned, but Dean didn’t have any time to dwell on it. He grabbed his keys and allowed his body to be led towards the back door of the warehouse, instinctively knowing where he needed to be.

“I have to go,” he supplied as Sam and Jack rushed after him, full of questions. 

“Wait, Dean,” Jack called after him. “We’ll come too.”

Dean knew his family wanted to see where this was going and ensure Cas’s safety as well, but something inside of him said he needed to do this alone. 

“It has to be me,” Dean explained unhelpfully, climbing into Baby’s passenger seat and driving. 

He couldn’t explain what was happening but somehow he knew where he needed to go, he wasn’t consciously thinking of which turns he needed to make or how long he needed to stay on a particular road--he simply trusted the Grace to show him the way. 

The Grace continuously grew warm as it worked as hard as it could to give Dean the sight he needed to make it back to Cas. Mile markers flew by him, exit signs were a blur, and Dean kept driving, the warmth and comfort of the Grace a steady presence within him. He drove on and found himself on a dark road, traveling up into the mountains where he knew he needed to be. 

The passing of time didn’t cross his mind as the sky remained black. It wasn’t until the heat of the Grace on his arm crested until it was too hot to take before completely dying out, that Dean knew he’d traveled long enough.

He stepped out of the car and took stock of his surroundings. He was on a dirt driveway, under a dingy yellow streetlight. A small rundown motel room with a flickering light sat before him. There were a few cars in the parking lot and he could see a small gas station across the street but no other sign of businesses as far as the eye could see. 

The room with the flickering light drew him in like a moth to a flame, and he knew behind that door he’d find his angel. His footsteps crunched the gravel beneath him as he slowly made his way towards the door, his nerves now returning full force with the Grace out of his system. He approached the door with his heart in his throat, begging the universe to let Cas be okay. He had to know that this wasn’t all for nothing, that the Grace wouldn’t bring him here only to find the love of his life already dead.

The curtains in the window were drawn and it appeared completely dark in the room, but somehow Dean just knew this was where he had to be. As terrified as he was, he couldn’t wait a second longer. He banged on the door, praying to anything that could hear him to not break his heart.

A light flicked on from inside the room and Dean felt his breathing increase. It wasn’t until the door cracked open that he completely lost his composure.

He fell into the angel before him, gripped at the front of his shirt as he sobbed, “What the fuck were you thinking you fucking asshole? What were you thinking?”

Cas looked completely petrified, but Dean didn’t care. He gripped Cas’s shirt that much tighter, afraid the other man would somehow disintegrate.

“How did you find me?”

“We tracked you. We haven’t fucking stopped looking for you. What did you think? That we’d just forget about you because you wrote us a goodbye letter? Fuck you Cas.”

The words that were coming out of his mouth were not at all what he wanted to say but he’d been so certain he’d show up and find Cas cold and limp that he couldn’t find the words he knew he needed to say.

He took a moment to really look Cas over and he hated what he saw. The man in before him looked thin and sickly. His eyes had deep circles, worse than Dean had ever seen before and his hair was limp and shiny like Cas had given up on washing it long ago. He was wearing a ripped and baggy t-shirt that appeared to come from a thrift store and some pajama bottoms that were probably too big on him. He just looked awful. He looked like he was moments away from death and Dean’s heart nearly plummeted. If they had waited any longer….

The angel frowned at him. It looked like tears were flooding the corners of his eyes.

“Dean…” 

He could hear it in the very distinct way that Cas said his name that the angel was about to tell him to leave, but Dean wouldn’t allow those words to come out. 

“No!” He fought back. “You don’t get to tell me to go. I thought I was going to run out of time. I didn’t think I’d see you again,” Dean cried, gripping at the edges of Cas’s t-shirt sleeves. 

“That was my intention.”

All the breath escaped his lungs. 

_Hearing_ that Cas had wanted to leave them, had wanted to disappear so that they could never see him again, it killed him. Cas really wanted to leave him. He wanted to leave him alone forever.

“Why?” Dean pleaded, his tears now unabashedly flowing.

Castiel’s face stayed stoic though his eyes were ready to flow over with tears as well.

“I already explained myself. I want you to live a happy life.”

“Does this look happy to you?” Dean pleaded. “I’ve been a fucking wreck because of you.”

He shoved back at Cas, pushing the angel away despite how much he wanted him closer. So much closer.

“Time would have healed—“

“Fuck you!” Dean screamed, unable to take this anymore. “You don’t get to tell me that I would have just gotten over you with a little time. No. Fuck you Cas.”

The anger in him took over. He knew it was a defense mechanism, one he needed to grow out of, but anger was better than sobbing at Cas’s feet.

“Get in the car. We’re going home,” he demanded. He reached to grab Cas’s hand but the other man evaded him, pulling his arms tight around his body.

Dean watched as the man who held his heart took a few steady breaths before forcing a sad smile and saying words that completely shattered Dean to the core. 

“This is my home. At least for the time I have left.”

It was then that Dean knew he’d done wrong by Castiel for too long. He’d allowed the one person he’d never needed to be scared of loving, go too long without knowing how loved he was. He could see it in Cas’s eyes as he stood there in the middle of the dingy motel room. He could see the way Castiel looked resigned to go back to a pilled and scratchy motel blanket and the instant coffee that was scattered around the side table and live out the rest of his days because he’d never heard what he actually meant to Dean.

Dean had to make it right.

“No. No,” He choked out in a whisper, stepping a few steps closer to close the distance between him and Cas. “Your home isn't here. You're not supposed to think here is your home. You're supposed to think home is with me. Your home should be in my arms. Your home is us. Together.”

Something shattered in Cas then too, making his tears finally overflow.

“You have always been my home,” the Angel promised, looking at Dean like he was falling apart. 

“Then let me save you.”

Cas shook his head, devastated. “It’s unfair to you.”

“You don’t get it do you?”

“Get what?”

“I want to soul-marry you or whatever the fuck this ritual is. I want to be bound to you forever. I don’t want to keep losing you over and over again. I can’t fucking take it anymore.”

“But what if—“

Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He rushed to Cas and cupped his face between his palms.

“You’re it. You and me. That’s what I need my life to be. I need to have you by my side. I need to be able to see you, and hear your voice, and touch you, and hold you, and fucking make love to you. I need you Cas. Why are you trying to leave me? Why won’t you stop leaving me?”

“You want to be bound to me?” Castiel cried, shaking his head like he couldn’t accept that Dean was speaking the truth.

“Yes you fucking idiot.”

I might’ve been exactly what Cas needed to hear because almost instantly Dean had an armful of angel as Cas collapsed into him, shaking through the tears that were no doubt falling. He almost couldn’t believe this moment was real. They found him. Dean found him.

Now they just needed to save him.


	8. Chapter 8

Now that he had Cas in his arms and could feel just how fragile the angel was, Dean knew he couldn’t wait any longer to get the show on the road.

He wasn’t quiet about it when he started calling out to Jack. 

“I found him. Bring Rowena and everything we need.”

“Dean,” Cas started to say, maybe a protest, maybe a plea but Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He’d held back for too long and the uncertainty still in Cas’s eyes was devastating. Without hesitation, Dean moved right into Cas’s space and pressed their lips together. It was far from gentle at first but the strain he’d been holding in his shoulders since Castiel left managed to suddenly melt away as he felt Cas’s lips part under his. Within a moment, their arms were locked around each other as they sank into the kiss, so long overdue.

He wished this kiss alone could say everything Dean had never had the courage to say aloud. He knew it wouldn’t ever be the same as Castiel actually hearing the words Dean needed to say, but he still poured all of the emotion he felt into it. As kisses go, it wasn’t the most mind blowing he’d ever had but it was the first kiss he’d ever known to feel like safety, happiness, comfort, and home all in one. It was the first kiss he’d ever felt that he wanted to count, to keep track of how many he got to have for the rest of his life and hold them tightly to himself because it _mattered._

As they pulled apart Cas looked at Dean with wide, hopeful eyes.

“You mean it?” He asked, still sounding unsure but the tendrils of hope had crept in.

“Yeah,” Dean promised, taking another kiss just because he could. 

A smile, a full-fledged smile so rare Dean is certain he’s only seen it in his dreams, crossed over Cas’s face. The angel seemed to be shocked by his own smiling and tried to stifle it with his hand. It was then that Dean noticed the ring he’d given the other man. It was still just as dull as it had been when Dean owned it, but seeing it there on Cas’s finger felt more right in ways he couldn’t find words for. 

“You didn’t take it off,” he stated more in awe than anything.

Castiel glanced down at his hand and traced his thumb over it, a gesture he looked familiar with. 

“Of course not,” the angel confessed. “I told you I’d treasure it, and I have. I’d look at it every day and I’d—I’d miss you so fiercely I wouldn’t be able to breathe but… but it made me happy too.”

Part of him was still angry that Cas had ever left—that he’d ever needed something to look at to remind himself of Dean when he could have more than just a token. He’d spent so long avoiding what seemed so obvious to him that he didn’t realize how badly Castiel actually needed to hear him say it.

“Cas I need to tell you, I didn’t just give you the ring just as a symbol,” he started to explain. “I gave it to you because—”

“Cas!”

Dean jumped as an unexpected voice showed up in the room and wanted to curse loudly at their timing.

Castiel’s attention was immediately pulled elsewhere as Jack and Rowena were suddenly in the room, rapidly followed by Gabriel and Sam.

“Jack,” Castiel said in surprise, straightening himself out to address the young angel. 

Jack stomped up to Cas with a mighty vengeance, emotion thick in the kid’s voice as he nearly shouted, “Why? Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

Cas’s shoulders sank in on himself again and he frowned, looking even more miserable.

“I’m sorry. I thought it would be harder.”

“I just don’t understand.”

Castiel looked over at Dean, and without speaking, Dean understood Cas needed a minute to talk to Jack alone. The thought of Cas being more than five feet away from him made his skin crawl but he knew it would be good for them. 

“Go talk to him,” Dean encouraged but not before adding, “but I swear if you don’t come back—”

Seeming to know just what Dean needed, Cas stepped forward and interrupted Dean with a chaste kiss. His breath was still completely sucked from his lungs by the small act.

“I’ll come back,” Cas promised heavily. “Just give us ten minutes to talk.”

“Okay,” Dean grumbled. Watching the two of them walk out of the motel room together and shut the door. 

The moment the door clicked shut behind them, Sam seemed to be done holding his tongue.

“That was new.”

“Yeah, Dean-o,” Gabe added with sass. “Didn’t know you and my brother even knew how to get to first base.”

“Both of you, shut it.”

His brother and the archangel laughed with one another and seemed revved up to joke some more but Dean had already turned his attention to Rowena.

“Tell me we have everything.” He felt like he was begging a little but with the way Cas looked he didn’t want to waste any more time than he had to. 

Rowena looked confident though. She gripped one of his hands and looked at him with calm, serious eyes. “We do. I triple checked as we were waiting to hear from you, dear.”

“This is going to work, right?”

“Nothing is certain,” She reminded. “But I’m very rarely wrong when it comes to magic.”

Dean’s heart was pounding in his chest both from anticipation of the ritual but also fear that something could come down and ruin this right before he had a chance.

To distract himself, he pulled up a map of the surrounding area, looking for somewhere secluded and outdoors, per the orders Rowena dictated just then. With what looked like a batch of woods right behind the motel, Dean helped Rowena grab all her things and started heading out the door.

Jack and Castiel were sitting on the curb looking at one another with intense eyes and mirrored titled heads, so much alike despite not sharing the same DNA. Whatever they had talked about seemed to have comforted both of them, and Jack seemed much more at ease with everything.

“Hey, there’s a woods behind back we need to set up in,” Dean interrupted. “You can meet us there if you’re not done talking yet.”

Cas looked over at Dean with a warm smile and a look in his eye that made Dean feel a little weak in the knees.

“We’re done,” he said, and pulled himself to his feet unsteadily. Dean rushed to him out of instinct to help him up, and wrapped his arm around the angel’s waist to keep him steady.

“Thank you,” Cas whispered softly, leaning into Dean just a little more. 

“Let’s do this,” Dean said, mostly to Cas but loud enough for the rest of them to hear. Not knowing what to do that wasn’t kissing Cas senseless, Dean squeezed his side tightly and began walking. 

The five of them followed quietly behind Rowena who seemed to know exactly which type of area she would need to go. Perhaps it was the magic in her or she’d also studied the map before going there but after ten minutes of walking she led them straight to an alcove of trees and began pulling things out of her bag.

She unfolded and laid out a flannel blanket and then began directing Sam, Jack, and Gabriel to pull out specific ingredients, giving them measurements and other instructions as she laid out crystals and what looked like herbs around the blanket.

The moon wasn’t full, so Dean knew all along that it was bullshit that they needed to wait for a full moon, but it was bright nonetheless and shone down on them in their small alcove of trees, just enough that he could look over at Cas. Dean had always thought there was something about the angel, some sort of electricity or energy that made him seem almost surreal but even now as his Grace was at the end of its life, he still looked breathtaking. For a moment Dean wondered if that would change once the bond happened. Would Castiel only look normal to him, like any other human would? Or would Dean still see him as the powerful celestial being he always had?

From distrust, to betrayal and back they’d broken and repaired their friendship more than Dean knew was possible but somehow even through all of it, the way he saw Cas hadn’t changed. He knew then, in his gut that this wouldn’t change how he saw his angel. Cas would be weaker, he’d never be able to do what he once had all those years ago in a barn, but he’d be safe and _alive_ and knowing that, Dean couldn’t think of anything better.

“Cas, I gotta tell you something, before we—”

“We’re ready,” Rowena interrupted, unknowingly. “Dean I need you to be on this side, where the earth materials are and Castiel I need you opposite him with the air.”

Knowing that she meant business, the two men obliged, carefully kneeling down on the blanket with the materials in between them.

Gabriel, Sam, and Jack were in line with the trees a few feet away from Rowena’s work, likely by her command.

“The incantations will not take long but the bonding might. Depending on the purity of the bond it may take more or less time for it to fully fuse.”

Dean wanted to question her and ask a dozen questions, mostly if it would hurt but also what the bond might count as impure.

“It won’t hurt,” Castiel whispered low, of course knowing what Dean was thinking.

“How do you know? You done this before?” Dean tried to tease but he couldn’t help but worry that Cas had experience in this.

“Of course not. Grace cannot be bonded to more than one soul.”

Dean’s nerves made way towards aching doubt, realizing that Castiel, angel of the lord, was about to be bound to an unworthy soul. Was Dean’s soul still viable after all the death and torture he’d caused? Could a soul from hell be bound to one of God’s creations? Terror struck through his core as he convinced himself this wasn’t going to work,

“What if—what if my soul—”

“Your soul is the brightest I’ve ever seen, even now,” Cas said with his rich, soothing voice. “I was worried that as my Grace depleted, I wouldn’t be able to see it, but even now with what little I have, I know it shines more brightly than any other.”

“That’s not possible,” Dean protested. 

“You are good, Dean Winchester and my Grace will accept you.” He was comforted hearing just that alone but Castiel bowed his head for a moment, before looking up and confessing something that made Dean’s heart crack wide open. “My Grace aches for you Dean, it’s always wanted to be bound, I can feel it right now moving inside me, trying to reach out to you.”

The fact that something so incredible could love someone like Dean made him want to sob. He didn’t know if he’d ever feel worthy of it, but he made a promise to himself that he would treat Cas so good if he ever got this chance. Cas needed to know he wasn’t the only one who longed to be together. He needed to know that he wasn’t just a part of the Winchesters’ lives because he was useful or had knowledge they’d sometimes need. He needed to know he was there because without him, Dean wasn’t whole. He needed to know—

“I love you,” Dean blurted, unable to keep it in any longer. The words had been sitting inside of him for too long and feeling them finally free was liberating. He wanted to say them over and over, especially if the look Castiel gave him was the look he’d always get after telling the angel how he felt. 

“I know,” Castiel said with a smile. “As I love you.”

Dean hadn’t realized that Rowena had begun her incantations until the crystals around them began to glow.

“I need your hand,” Castiel requested, holding his out over the center of the circle. Dean reached out as well, gripping Castiel’s tightly, feeling a little overwhelmed by everything.

As their palms clasped together, the same warmth Dean had felt earlier, when Cas’s Grace led him here, grew like a ball in his hand but something cool was mixed with it. He looked down and saw bright blue and golden lights swirling around each other like a dance. The lights spun for just a little before twirling together and splitting in two, each strand braiding itself more completely around its counterpoint. The mixture of heat and cold began to crawl up each of their arms as the braids wrapped around and danced upwards. The lights seemed to find their destinations at the center of both Dean and Cas’s chests, both blue and golden light so intertwined and bright it nearly looked white, before pushing inside and taking their breath away.

The woods grew dark and cool again as the bonds disappeared within them but Dean could still see Cas so brightly. The bond inside of him was still dancing around, flipping and tumbling in delight. He could feel the relief and contentment from his soul but also the delight and awe from Cas’s Grace as they finally made a home in one another.

The look on Cas’s face was evidence enough that the angel was feeling the same sensation within himself.

Just staring at the man he was now bound to wasn’t enough for Dean. Needing to just be close to Cas he crawled forward on his knees, pushing all the scattered items out of the way and pulled Cas into an all-consuming hug. Unlike any of the hugs they’d shared before, this one felt electric. He could feel their bonds within them singing with pleasure because of their connection, he could feel the profound sense of love that he’d always attributed to Cas but now it was more, now it flowed through his entire being writing Castiel’s name on everything inside of him.

Dean clawed at Cas’s shirt, overwhelmed with emotion from the past few weeks—the uncertainty of whether he’d see Cas again, the self-hatred and guilt towards never having told Cas how he felt all along, the fear that he’d already run out of time—now he had this. They would be together for as long as they lived and even if they were separated, for a hunt or for any reason that might pull them apart temporarily, Dean could feel Cas like a presence inside him and knew that they’d never really be apart. Castiel was now his home, his truest north star, just as he was for the angel.

The sound of boots on grass had Dean and Cas pulling away from one another to greet their family.

But before he turned to look at them, Dean took a moment to look back at Castiel and relish in the color back in his cheeks. His hair was still messy and his clothes looked abysmal, but the life that had been draining from him was now back and radiant. His cheeks began to ache with the way his smile tugged at his lips, for the first time in so long truly feeling a sense of complete happiness from this moment.

He smiled over at Sam, Jack, Rowena, and Gabe and felt his face heat up at the all-knowing smiles he got in return.

Gabe’s smile was a little different though, and he looked to Castiel and said, “I’ve never seen it like that.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, unsure if he should be worried about Gabriel’s words.

“I’ve witnessed a few bondings over time, the few angels who had fallen for a human,” he started to explain, “but none of them even compared to that. Most of the time the Grace takes a while to coax and the bond forming isn’t as… I’ve just never seen something so bright.”

Dean looked to Cas to see if what Gabriel was saying was something to worry about but Cas’s face said it all, it was _good_ that their bond was so bright. It was something Castiel looked immensely proud of if Dean was reading that smile right.

He’d had enough of the wild emotions that had been coursing through him and he just wanted to celebrate the fact that this, surprisingly, all worked out for them.

“So this means you’re stuck with me, huh?” He asked Cas jokingly, making the angel nudge him with his shoulder.

“But seriously,” Dean continued. “What does this mean for your powers? Are they all gone?”

“No, there’s some in there. Enough to heal minor wounds or utilize enhanced hearing if I need it but my smiting days are over. Your soul will nourish the Grace I have so it won’t ever completely be gone but using too much could potentially wipe my energy for a while until it’s revitalized.”

An ache formed in Dean’s chest that was mirrored by an additional, quieter ache and Dean knew through the bond that Castiel was mourning the life and abilities he’d had. Dean couldn’t imagine how it’d be for Castiel later to not have full control over his powers like he’d had when they first met. It was a blow, that was for sure, and Dean wished there was a way that he could fix it and let Cas be as powerful as he once was.

“It’ll take some adjusting,” Castiel admitted, “but this bond means so very much to me. I would not trade it for an ounce more of my former abilities.”

“Well I hate to skedaddle when things are getting so mushy,” Gabriel joked. “But Heaven has been calling me for a while now so I better be heading back.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” Dean told the archangel, thanking him with his eyes for all that the man had done for him to get Cas back.

“I won’t,” Gabe promised. “Jack, kiddo, you coming back with me?”

Jack looked between Cas and Dean, he seemed torn for a moment between wanting to stay close and knowing he had heavenly duties.

“You should go help out,” Dean said to him. “Cas and I will probably hang out here for a little bit together before heading back to the bunker.”

“In that case can I hitch a ride with one of you back to the bunker?” Sam asked, both Jack and Gabe.

“And me,” Rowena chimed in.

As the four of them got ready to leave, Dean suddenly remembered.

“Hey, what about the witch?” He asked, knowing it was best he wasn’t left to deal with her. Sam seemed to understand and waved him off.

“I’ll take care of her.”

Dean didn’t want to ask where they’d even left her, he didn’t really care what happened to her. He was appreciative that his brother was taking this off his plate, but he was more thankful to the fact that his brother had kept his promise. He got Cas back when Dean could hardly keep his head on his shoulders. It was something Dean would forever be indebted to him for. 

“Thank you, Sammy,” he said with emotion thick in his voice. His brother looked at him with complete understanding and squeezed Dean’s shoulder with a nod of his head. 

Castiel said his goodbyes to Jack and Gabriel as Dean thanked Rowena for everything she’d done before the four of them flashed off, leaving Dean and Castiel alone in the woods with the sounds of crickets and leaves around them.

“Should we head back?” Dean asked to which Cas nodded his head. The angel needed less help getting back to the motel but he was still shuffling along slowly, likely exhausted from everything he’d been through. 

They made it back to the room a little slower than they’d left and Castiel immediately sat down on the bed.

“You okay?” Dean asked. Cas didn’t look too bad right now but that didn’t mean something wasn’t wrong. He moved to kneel down in front of the angel, gripping Cas’s cold hands in his, just because he could.

“I am. Just exhausted still. I think it’ll take a few days for me to start feeling normal.”

“Okay.” Dean stayed kneeling for a moment, and took the chance to run his fingers through the hair at Cas’s temples. The smile he got made it impossible to not crane his neck up and kiss it, so he did.

He stood up and helped Cas get under the covers, sitting on the edge of the bed once Cas was comfortable tucked in.

“You’re not tired?” The angel asked through a yawn.

As much as Dean wanted to crawl into bed next to him and just bask in the feeling of being by Cas’s side, he needed to know what happened with the witch and wanted to check in with Sam before he got ready for bed.

“Nah, not yet.” He ran his fingers through Cas’s hair again. The other man really needed a shower but Dean didn’t mind, he could see just how wiped Cas was.

“I want to stay up a little longer,” Cas tried to say but another yawn fought its way to the surface. 

“You need to get some sleep.” Dean could tell that Cas was fighting the urge to completely conk out so he leaned forward and pressed another kiss to his angel’s lips.

“I’ll watch over you,” Dean promised, loving the small smile it earned him. He sat on the edge of the bed as he waited for Cas to fall asleep before he stepped out into the parking lot.

He pressed his brother’s name in his contact and waited a few rings before Sam was on the other end.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, Cas is sleeping. Just thought I’d check in and see how it went.”

“It’s taken care of,” Sam confirmed, not needing to elaborate on the gory details. Dean was thankful his brother had taken point on that one because Dean is fairly certain he wouldn’t have been able to control himself.

It was a relief to know she was no longer able to hurt his family, and Cas was completely protected from her ever harming him again.

The thought of Cas led Dean to ask, “What about his Grace?”

He knew it was a long shot but he hoped something could be done to restore some more back to Cas but when Sam sighed heavily on the other end, Dean knew what his brother would say.

“I tried to save it. We extracted all of it before we off-ed her but the minute she went cold it just sort of fizzled out.”

His heart hurt once more for his angel but he knew there was nothing more they could do at this point.

“At least you tried,” he said by way of thanking his brother, again.

The past few weeks still hurt to think about but Dean was so completely relieved he still had Cas he didn’t know what to do with himself. The fact that just a small rickety wooden door stood between them right now, made the world feel a thousand times brighter. He knew it was going to be hard for them for a while as Castiel adjusted again to being mostly human but Dean was going to do everything in his effort he could to make it easier than he had in the past.

“You think he’s going to regret it?” Dean asked his brother after a period of silence. “Bonding to me and being powerless?”

“Regret it? Never. Struggle with it? Absolutely. But he has you. He’ll be okay.”

“I hope so,” he responded. 

“I’m glad you two have each other,” he heard his brother say. Dean could hear it in Sam’s voice that it came from his heart. 

“Me too.” 

“He really loves you.” 

Dean smiled to himself as he pictured the glow on Cas’s face when he heard Dean say the words for the first time. He wanted to make that smile happen for the rest of his life. 

“I hope so,” Dean said again. 

“He does. His--his letter he wrote me,” Sam said before pausing. Dean never asked what Cas wrote to Sam, and his brother never offered it up, but now that Sam was mentioning it, Dean was intrigued. 

“In the letter he told me he… he told me he had dreams that you’d find a future where you would be happy and have true peace in your life. He begged me to take care of you, insisting that I wouldn’t let you blame yourself for him leaving. And Dean, he wrote that leaving you was like ripping out his heart.” 

“Dammit Sam,” Dean said with a few stray tears dripping down his face. Him and Cas had both been so stupid. They’ve loved each other so fiercely for so long yet held it inside them for no logical reason. 

“I didn’t want to tell you before because I just--I wasn’t sure,” Sam explained. 

“Why now? To make me cry?” Dean asked with a huff of laughter. 

“No, so that you know you can have good things. You deserve this with him.” 

Dean took comfort in Sam’s words and let them wash over him, fighting against years of deeply seated self-hatred. 

He promised to call his brother when he and Cas were heading back before hanging up, giving himself some time to just collect himself and convince himself that this was even real. 

Sam was safe in the bunker, Jack was safe with Gabriel in Heaven, and Castiel was safe just a few feet away from Dean, waiting for Dean’s arms to wrap around him and hold him for the rest of their lives. Things were good, truly good, for the first time in a long time and he didn’t know how to feel about it.

For now he was relieved and he was completely, irrevocably in love with the person he was now bound to for life. He had assurance that he’d get to love that person for as long as he lived. He had comfort in knowing his family was doing okay, and it felt good.

He knew it wouldn’t last, it wasn’t like their lives to have good things last long, but as an angel once told him: _good things do happen._

His good thing was waiting for him. All the rest of the world could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! I hope for your sakes no one cried as much as I did over this one :P 
> 
> If you're new here and want to read more from me... 
> 
> Here's a short pine-filled one: [Breathe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19179343)
> 
> An angsty alternate-universe one: [He Wouldn’t Be Gone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261616)
> 
> And the nearest and dearest to my heart: [Highway 20 Ride](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317785/chapters/50767201)


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